I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
