This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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