Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
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