Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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