i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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