Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
