Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
