I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
