apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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