life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
