Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
