if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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