Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
