When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
