I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
