Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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