the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
