Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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