Pappa wants mamma naked
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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