Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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