I hate your face
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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