Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
