he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I need moral support for this bender
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
