i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
