I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
