Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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