I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
