Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
