So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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