I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
