I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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