I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
