I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
