If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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