Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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