we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
