i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
