i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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