when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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