i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
