I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
