Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
