I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
