ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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