Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
