Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
