What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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