70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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