hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
