grandma shit on top of the toilet
I puked a lego.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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