she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
